Enter witty title here...
Yeah, I didn't have anything funny to put as a title, so shoot me. Once again, it has been a long time since my last post. Several things have chnaged, and there's a lot to talk about, so this will probably be another long one. First and foremost, my blog title is no longer accurate. Back in December, I ran into my knight at a wedding. He and I talked for awhile. I asked him if he was planning on coming back to the SCA anytime soon. His response was less than optimistic. He said that he was thinking about coming back, but he wanted to go back to school and he wanted to change jobs and he had found a new "project" that he wanted to start working on, but if he could find some time after all that, he would think about coming back and playing.
I walked away, and talked with my wife for awhile about it. She and I both agreed that he probably wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. Later in the evening, I asked if my knight would take a walk with me. When I told him, he almost seemed to know it was coming. He understood that if he wasn't around, that he couldn't be the knight I needed right now. We left each other on good terms. I respect all of the choices that he's made in his life, and I'm pretty sure that he respects mine. We can still call each other friend, and that was important to me. It means, however, that I am no longer a squire. I still have the desire to be a knight. I still want to improve my fighting. I'm just not sure that I have the time to devote to it the way I should if I'm going to be a squire.
It's been over two months of me not being a squire and I have to say, that after 4 and a half years of being one, it is very strange. I used the name "squire" to identify who I was in the society and what my goals were. I don't have that definition anymore and it's strange. I'm still me. I still have the same goals. I'm just not doing it in the same way. If the rumor mill is to be believed, there are several knights in my Kingdom that are considering offering me a squire's belt again. There are at least 3 that I know of. It's very flattering, but I'm not sure I'm ready to get back into that student/teacher relationship. I can't spend the amount of time needed to make me a good squire. Not until I'm done with my Masters program and my daughter gets a little older. Maybe then I can consider once again being a squire. Who knows, maybe it will be sooner. I just know it's not now.
I haven't been fighting much at all. As a matter of fact, since the birth of my daughter (six months ago) I have been in armour exactly three times. One practice, one demo (two weekends ago) and one tourney (this past weekend). I was really nervous about getting back into armour after being out for so long. I just didn't want to suck. I have a real negative opinion of my ability on my best day, and after being out for so long, my opinion was much worse. So when I entered the tourney this past weekend, I had no expectations about what I might do. I just wanted to have fun. As it turns out, this must have been the proper attitude. Somehow or another, I won the tourney. Each round, I would go out for my bout, I would win it, and I would come back wondering how many other people were still undefeated. It was the strangest senesation when they called me for the final bout. I really didn't know how to react. That strangeness was only magnified when I actually won.
See the problem is, I still think I suck. And even now, looking back at the tourney, I'm trying to figure out how I won. Obviously, there was some trick of luck. It must be that other people were having an off day. Maybe my path through the list was easier then some of the fighters who were there who are obviously better than I am. I'm still trying to figure out how this fluke victory happened. See, if I beleive that I suck and I lose, then I expected it. If I believe that I suck and I win, then I'm pleasantly surprised (actually more than pleasantly surprised, more like giddy as a school girl). This negative attitude has worked for me. It has worked for me for as long as I can remember. There's one problem with it, and that's how it makes other people feel.
About 8 months ago (maybe longer at this point), I was at a fight practice in my local group. Everyone was having a good day of fighting. I was about to head out against another squire in the local group. Before the fight, I offered up my usual fight mantra to him which was ("Don't worry about this fight, after all, I suck"). He looked at me and very sternly said
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?", I asked innocently.
"Put down your fighting."
"Because I beleive I suck.", I answered obviously.
"I know you feel that way, and I respect it. But how do you think it makes me feel, when you say that you suck, and then you go out there and beat me like a baby harp seal?", He said.
That statement hit me between the eyes like a cement brick. I had never considered how my insecurities had made other people feel. It was at that moment, that I promised myself that I would never say "I suck at fighting" again out load. Oh sure, I still feel that way. But there are 5 people that I faced this weekend at that tourney. There are 5 fighters that I beat in a fair fight. If I were to say that I suck out loud, that is going to make those 5 fighters feel worse than they already do. There is no honor in that. There is no joy. If I can try to beleive that I was the best fighter that day (which is very hard for me), then they can each hold their heads high knowing that, on that day, they were beat by the best.
Even when I know, that I still suck.....(yeah, I'm still working on it).
I walked away, and talked with my wife for awhile about it. She and I both agreed that he probably wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. Later in the evening, I asked if my knight would take a walk with me. When I told him, he almost seemed to know it was coming. He understood that if he wasn't around, that he couldn't be the knight I needed right now. We left each other on good terms. I respect all of the choices that he's made in his life, and I'm pretty sure that he respects mine. We can still call each other friend, and that was important to me. It means, however, that I am no longer a squire. I still have the desire to be a knight. I still want to improve my fighting. I'm just not sure that I have the time to devote to it the way I should if I'm going to be a squire.
It's been over two months of me not being a squire and I have to say, that after 4 and a half years of being one, it is very strange. I used the name "squire" to identify who I was in the society and what my goals were. I don't have that definition anymore and it's strange. I'm still me. I still have the same goals. I'm just not doing it in the same way. If the rumor mill is to be believed, there are several knights in my Kingdom that are considering offering me a squire's belt again. There are at least 3 that I know of. It's very flattering, but I'm not sure I'm ready to get back into that student/teacher relationship. I can't spend the amount of time needed to make me a good squire. Not until I'm done with my Masters program and my daughter gets a little older. Maybe then I can consider once again being a squire. Who knows, maybe it will be sooner. I just know it's not now.
I haven't been fighting much at all. As a matter of fact, since the birth of my daughter (six months ago) I have been in armour exactly three times. One practice, one demo (two weekends ago) and one tourney (this past weekend). I was really nervous about getting back into armour after being out for so long. I just didn't want to suck. I have a real negative opinion of my ability on my best day, and after being out for so long, my opinion was much worse. So when I entered the tourney this past weekend, I had no expectations about what I might do. I just wanted to have fun. As it turns out, this must have been the proper attitude. Somehow or another, I won the tourney. Each round, I would go out for my bout, I would win it, and I would come back wondering how many other people were still undefeated. It was the strangest senesation when they called me for the final bout. I really didn't know how to react. That strangeness was only magnified when I actually won.
See the problem is, I still think I suck. And even now, looking back at the tourney, I'm trying to figure out how I won. Obviously, there was some trick of luck. It must be that other people were having an off day. Maybe my path through the list was easier then some of the fighters who were there who are obviously better than I am. I'm still trying to figure out how this fluke victory happened. See, if I beleive that I suck and I lose, then I expected it. If I believe that I suck and I win, then I'm pleasantly surprised (actually more than pleasantly surprised, more like giddy as a school girl). This negative attitude has worked for me. It has worked for me for as long as I can remember. There's one problem with it, and that's how it makes other people feel.
About 8 months ago (maybe longer at this point), I was at a fight practice in my local group. Everyone was having a good day of fighting. I was about to head out against another squire in the local group. Before the fight, I offered up my usual fight mantra to him which was ("Don't worry about this fight, after all, I suck"). He looked at me and very sternly said
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?", I asked innocently.
"Put down your fighting."
"Because I beleive I suck.", I answered obviously.
"I know you feel that way, and I respect it. But how do you think it makes me feel, when you say that you suck, and then you go out there and beat me like a baby harp seal?", He said.
That statement hit me between the eyes like a cement brick. I had never considered how my insecurities had made other people feel. It was at that moment, that I promised myself that I would never say "I suck at fighting" again out load. Oh sure, I still feel that way. But there are 5 people that I faced this weekend at that tourney. There are 5 fighters that I beat in a fair fight. If I were to say that I suck out loud, that is going to make those 5 fighters feel worse than they already do. There is no honor in that. There is no joy. If I can try to beleive that I was the best fighter that day (which is very hard for me), then they can each hold their heads high knowing that, on that day, they were beat by the best.
Even when I know, that I still suck.....(yeah, I'm still working on it).
posted by TechSquire @ 10:28 AM
2 comments
